So I have to admit something. One is while there is no order of difficulty in miracles, I’m POSITIVE I’m the worst Course student EVER! It’s taking me 3 years + to finish the workbook for one.
However much worse then that reality is my emotional weakness. Some say they have a lot of anxiety (don’t worry that exists within me just fine too). Some say it’s fear (given that this is THE Emotion the course speaks of, I’ve got plenty). But The one emotion OTHERS are able to see in me is my own anger. I can really loose my temper and let me assure you, I’ve done it life time after life time! Haha. Now I do have an invisible disability this life time that only makes this situation worse. I have a nervous system disease and so my nerves are fried, but . . . that’s just excuses right? I am not the victim of the world I see. (ACIM, W-31)
However showcasing this anger in public tough. So as I read this statement, “Truth never makes attack. It merely is.” I deepened into feeling that. I’ve always sought and longed for God. It’s enough for a motivation to find the answers for me (in my case it’s ACIM) but it’s not enough to get me to my final destination. What’s missing is the way. n
Without forgiveness is the mind in chains, believing in its own futility.⁸ Yet with forgiveness does the light shine through the dream of darkness, offering it hope, and giving it the means to realize the freedom that is its inheritance. (ACIM, W-332.1:7-8)
So soaking this statement in: Truth never makes attack. It merely is. The goal of the Course is Being. It’s becoming that clear mind that shines the way for others while they futility bind themselves in chains. Now what’s my method of reaching this goal? It’s simply forgiving myself ad nauseum for loosing my temper. I’m still learning and that’s ok. One day I’ll get there because I’m both committed to my goal of being, and to my method of forgiving.
One comforting thing I think of is something Cate Grieves (1) has spoken of. She mentioned after her own awakening that she couldn’t understand what anger looked like. She no longer recognized it in others. People around her would explain someone was exhibiting anger and she communicated with the holy spirit and realized it was like their mouths were open and they were simply singing opera. This image helps me because it allows me to see my deeply invested “sin” of anger is really nothing to God and to reality. Reality remains untarnished despite how deeply “sinful” I feel I am because of it.
If you have ever struggled with anger, let’s pray together. We make good company. We will make it through the mind’s chains. The image I often think of when loosing my temper is of Helen Schucman’s dream where she knelt along side Bill and Christ between them in front of the Alter to God. With my own anger, the suffering I feel is but a failure to “know our one Identity we share with You (ACIM, W-330.2:2).” Loosing track of who I really am does bring me to my knees and calls for prayer because it will be grace that will get me through this. Let’s “go together, you and I. (ACIM, S-1.IV.1:8).”